The Struggles of Dating/Marrying a White Guy

Bloggers, Blogging, Writing, Writers, Blogs, Interracial Relationships, Marriage, Uncategorized, Women and Words 5 Minutes

Last week my husband and I were in the DMV, seated right next to each other on a bench waiting for Hearing Room # 3 to open when a guy walked by, looked me dead in the eyes winked at me and smiled. Greg, my husband, saw the entire thing and shot the guy an annoyed ‘Dude, I dare you to try it’ look. I just shook my head. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that this is something that happens to us all the time, despite sitting or standing next to each other, somehow people never ever think we are together; simply because my husband is White and I am Black.

I know this guy wasn’t being facetious, he just assumed, like most people do, that Greg and I were not a couple even though we were actually physically together. No matter how close we are to each other, even when we are in deep conversation, short of us holding hands or being loving with each other, people will assume we are not a couple. The dating and marrying outside our race have brought with it a mixture of comical, unbelievable, amusing sometimes even inconceivable experiences. It’s been 5 and a half years in total since we’ve been together and the weirdness still persists.

No One Ever Thinks We’re Together

It has become quite comical to us that no one ever thinks we are together, but depending on the situation it can also be annoying that people refuse to ask the pertinent questions but instead will just go with their assumptions.

Recently Greg let me off to go into the doctor’s office while he went to park the car. After checking in with the receptionist, letting her know who I was, I went to the ladies room. Greg arrived inside the doctor’s office less than 5 minutes afterward, he looked around the waiting room and didn’t see me so he asked the receptionist if “his wife” had just walked in. The receptionist without even asking Greg his wife’s name or asking for a description of his wife said, “No.” Greg asked her, “Are you sure, she should have just come in?” The woman again said, “No.” I walked out of the ladies’ room saw Greg at the receptionist desk and said, “Hi Babe, you found a parking spot fast, huh?” The receptionist turned bright red with embarrassment trying to explain herself. What I really wanted to ask her was why she would choose to go with her ignorant assumption that I was not Greg’s wife instead of asking him his wife’s name; but Greg wouldn’t let me, he told me to behave myself and let it be, after all, we should be used to it by now.

Things People Say to Us

The most common one we get is the inquiry as to what our respective families said or thought when we first started dating. Honestly, nothing. My parents thought nothing of me bringing home a white guy and vice versa. It really was not a big deal. My parents liked Greg because, according to them, they could see how much he cared for me. My mother liked the fact that Greg hung onto every word I said and looked lovingly at me each time I spoke and my father liked the fact that on the numerous occasions we all went out that weekend Greg paid for everything despite him (my father) being there. They embraced and love him.

As for my mother-in-law, sometimes I wonder if she even notices that I am not white. She has never mentioned anything about the color of my skin to Greg. She has been nothing but warm and kind to me from the very first day I met her, which was a few months into our relationship. She is extremely sweet to me and always ensures that she sends me a birthday card every year with a nice handwritten message inside.

People also ask us a lot about procreating, even strangers. The most common query we get when people do realize that we are in fact together is about babies. People are constantly asking us if we have any children together and when we say no then the next question is usually when are we going to have one, followed by the statement that we would make “some beautiful babies”; and yes they are very certain about this. Apparently, interracial couples never make unattractive babies.

One Sunday afternoon as we rode the subway into the city, an elderly woman sat across from us. I caught her staring at us several times so I finally smiled at her and that’s when she spoke. She commented on how nice we looked together, asked how long we had been together and advised us to have a baby. Before she exited the train she told us that she hopes that when I get pregnant it will be a girl because “she would be absolutely stunning”.

Then there are also the “jokes” bordering on snide remarks that people make. The one about “why couldn’t you date a black man / white girl instead” or the assumption that we could not find someone who is our own race, makes my blood boil. Are you kidding me? My husband and I have amazing chemistry that’s why we are with each other. Not because a guy is black does not mean I will have chemistry with him and it goes the same for my husband with his white female counterparts. The worst jokes and remarks though are the ones with the negative stereotype. Or the one about our time together having an expiration date because either one of us must have a “fetish” or might be going through “a phase”. Yeah, people go there, especially when one or the other of us is not around and they perceive that we are close enough to them for them to go there.

Not Black Enough

Apparently, there are varying levels of being black and I am not black enough or can’t possibly be down with the struggle of my people because I am married to a white man. Yes, people have said that. It’s harrowing how much people think they know about you based on who you married. I can assure you that my being married to Greg doesn’t make me any less vested in the issues that affect my community. Guess what people? I can still be “woke” and love my caucasian man. I will continue to speak out against oppression and racism and fight the good fight, and trust and believe my husband will be there right alongside me fighting with me. I am 100% sure of that! I didn’t lose my love for my race and my culture because I fell in love with someone who is not black and the implication that I did is ludicrous. Again, ignorance!

Greg and I are a strong, confident couple, who are able to stand up to the social biases that still prevail in our society even though it’s the year 2018. We are open-minded, compassionate people, who embrace each other’s differences and idiosyncrasies. Whatever squabbles and or disagreements we may have are the usual disagreements that occur in same race relationships, like why in the world he won’t bring the toilet seat down after he uses it, that still irks me. Similarly, it boggles his mind and annoys him when he has to wait for me because it takes me 2 hours to get ready whenever we are going out. We are the same as any other couple and the sooner society’s naysayers recognize that the sooner we can eliminate the struggles that seem to automatically comes when one dates or marry outside one’s race.

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Published by Racquel

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96 thoughts on “The Struggles of Dating/Marrying a White Guy”

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  4. Well the baby thing is of course accurate. It’s now scientifically proven that all biracial children are gorgeous and grow up to be Princesses, Presidents, Poet Laureates, and award-winning actors. The only issue of National Geographic that I’ve ever seen sell out in 12 years of bookselling was the London Biggs sisters last year.
    I’m certainly doing MY part for the future of humanity ;)!

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  6. I am mixed raced and I have been dealing with a somewhat similar issue that I plan to write about soon. My son is totally white with European features and no one ever thinks he’s mine. It’s becoming stranger as he grows up and becomes even more obviously white. His dad is white and I tend to be attracted to white men so I totally related to your story.

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    1. I am so sorry that the narrow-minded don’t think your son is yours. People can be so antagonistic in their thinking sometimes.

      I would love to read your story about that sometime. I hope you do write it. I am now following your blog.

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  7. I just started dating my beautiful boyfriend who is white, he didn’t believe me when I told him people stare. Then when I got used to it, he started noticing it tenfold. We both just laugh it off and create scenarios of what we think they are thinking about.

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  8. No matter who you love, your uniform doesn’t change,and the bottom line is that love within and for another, hasn’t got time for the foolery of ignorance, respect and a great piece by you soul sister, ☮️

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    1. Thanks, Brother! I like that comment. True words.

      I’ve been getting notifications that you’re “liking” my posts all morning. I want you to know how much I appreciate that. Thank you so much.

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  9. I still get this all the time as well. My boyfriend of 5 years is white while im black. Oh how i can write a blog on just meeting his family and how i change their views.

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  10. I know you wrote this several months ago, but I just stumbled upon it over the weekend. I can really relate to this post as I am also in an interracial relationship of about 8 months (I’m black, boyfriend is white) and we also get all of the same comments, remarks, judgements, etc. Sometimes it can be exhausting to deal with how stupid people can be, but I will say the people we are closest to (our friends, parents, etc) are the most accepting of our relationship. Like you mentioned about your parents, my parents have never seemed to have a problem with my boyfriend and also love the way that he seems to really care about me. His parents are also very kind and welcoming.

    I wish you and your husband Greg, the very best. You are such a beautiful couple.

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    1. Hey Jazzedout! I’m glad you stumbled on this post. I’m always happy to come across other interracial couples, especially the ones who are similar to Greg and I, the white guy/black girl couples. I sometimes wish I had a similar couple ( in real life to hang out with.

      Ignorant people are weird with things they generally don’t understand; while others are just down right racist. I am always very thankful that I live in a somewhat “tolerant” City, and despite that we are still subjected to “stupid people”, who would rather feed into racist stereotypes. Thankfully, those are the minority, as oppose to the majority.

      Thank you for stopping by, taking the time to read and leaving me some feedback on your own experinces. I am happy you decided to follow my Blog. I’m now going to subscribe to yours. I look forward to reading your articles.

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  11. I love this post. I have had 3 girlfriends who have been african american and they have all been great women. I have been up against all of the nonsense you have experienced, but we are moving forward. The heart wants what it wants and it doen’t matter what package that person comes in.

    Forgive me for this one, but when I was with my girlfriend Judith in NYC back in 2005 I did some stand up. She was a well weathered New Yorker and reveled in simply going home and watching CSI at night. I was new to the city and wanted to be out in that wild world every night. She was in the audience one night and I introduced her as my girl to the audience.

    She was pissed but I think enjoyed me and the attention. I told the audience this: Oh, I know… the black white thing… okay, I get it… But I love her and I don’t even let her pick the cotton out of the aspirin bottle.

    The audience went mad and even Judith lost her shit.

    It was great nightand we were a great couple. I loved her very much and she was a wonderful mate. But she was desperate for marraige and children and after $125K in child support payments I could never take that chance again.

    I hope you don’t hate me for my honesty Raquel. Bless you and your life. Thank you for reading my blog and I wish health and happiness to you and your family! 🙂 xo

    Charles

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    1. OMG!!! Hahahahahahahahaha….That joke is genius. Must share with Greg.

      Sorry you and Judith broke up but you and I know you’ve moved on to happier / greener pastures.

      Thank you for reading and leaving such a long and interesting comment. I knew I picked the right article for you, Charles. Hoping you’ll get the chance to read more of my writing and offer your witty feedback. 😁

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      4. Black slaves in the United States used to “pick cotton” for the white slave owners in the Southern part of the US until slavery was abolished and declared illegal in 1865.

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  13. Wow! You have certainly experienced more weird reactions than me and my wife! We do get the “beautiful baby” comments lol. And both our mothers have commented on me being white and she black, though only positively. 🙂
    And we have never had the problem of people assuming we are not a couple…

    I like the photo of you two together! 🙂

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    1. Thank you! We are a beautiful couple. 😉.

      It’s great that you guys haven’t experienced some of the negativity we have over here in NYC, but like you said in your piece lately people are becoming quite blatant with their racism.

      All in all though we do experience way more good than bad.

      Thanks for reading. Hope your wife will get a chance to read it too.

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      1. Haha yes you are! 😀

        I really would have thought that NYC would be a place where a black-white couple would be no big deal at all! :O

        Yeah I think the floodgates for racism have kind of opened the last couple of years… Hopefully it’s just a case of things getting worse before they get better…

        That is good to hear (that you too experience more good than bad)!

        She will! 🙂

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  14. Let me start by saying you’re a beautiful couple… but even more than the physical, you have beautiful hearts. The fact that you can deal with people’s stupidity and insensitivity with laughter instead of anger says a lot about the strength of your relationship. I’d like to say I’m surprised the general public is so quick to judge. I’d really like to say it, and it’s a shame that I can’t. But you know what? The joke is on them because it will just make you and your husband stronger… together.
    ❣️

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    1. Awwwww, you made my day with your compliments. Thank you soooo much for your kind and genuine words.

      Greg and I, unfortunately, have gotten used to the simplemindedness of judgmental people. We let the weirdness roll off our backs. For the most part, people are complimentary and sweet to our interracial union but you know there is always that 1 or 2 or 3 that really aren’t worth our time and yes we are a much stronger couple for it.

      Thanks for stopping by, reading and sharing your pleasant thoughts. Again, you made my day.

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  16. OMG, I can’t stop laughing at “Apparently, interracial couples never make unattractive babies.” Comedy gold. I think your response to when people ask if you are going to make babies should be “No, but we are thinking about merging our bodies and becoming one composite person. I think we’ll be pretty cute!”

    Another excellent article dear ❤

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  17. You know I feel you on every part of this. It’s not even worth going into details about but people can be sooooo ignorant, myopic, and flat out stupid. You talked about one of my favorite topics which is that you can’t be both proudly black and be with a non-black person. Tickles me. I’m also so over this incredibly creepy fetish people have with mixed children. It’s weird and needs to stop.

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  18. Alllll of this RAC!!! Everything you said resonated with me and Craig’s experiences! Specifically, the assumption that because my kid would be beautiful because she had White in her-insinuating that a full blooded Black kid isnt as beautiful. You tapped into so many levels with this one sis! Good work!

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  19. You’re absolutely right! The situation will continue.

    “If the chemistry and kindness are there, and he steps up I give it s shot.” As it should be.

    Thank you for the well wishes for my marriage. Much appreciated.

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  20. Unfortunately, this will continue. Fortunately (as you said), you are a strong, confident couple. I date whoever interests me, but mostly it’s been chocolate men for a few years. So, I’ve gotten some stares and the whole ‘not black enough’ bit and black men give me weird stares, but I DO NOT CARE. If the chemistry and kindness are there, and he steps up, I give it a shot! Continued happiness to you and Greg!

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  23. It’s sad that people are still all up in other’s business about their relationships. As long as you are happy, and he’s happy’ that’s all that matters!

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  24. What matters most is that he respects and appreciates your individual struggles. As you said, he’ll be right beside you as you fight the good fight. That kind of support is important and special in any relationship. Good for you two!

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  25. Hey Sis! I’m so glad you brought up this question, I guess I can say. I’ve never dated outside of my race; however, I would in a heartbeat – if the opposite race actually looked my way – in which they haven’t….lol. But you would think since we’re in 2018, the race issues would be a thing of the past – like forgotten, but unfortunately, we still have people whose minds or even families minds are stuck in that 1940-1960’s era. I’m so glad you all are together and that his family and your family love one another because, at the end of the day, that’s all it’s about LOVE! I’m happy for you and so glad you put up a picture – you too are adorable. By the way – does he have a brother? – Just saying, lol…anywho, have a good day gurly!

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    1. Thank Roshonda….Race, unfortunately, will always be an issue for some people and I am afraid the divisive nature of it has gotten even worse in recent times. However, my Love and I will keep on chugging on because love will always win.

      LMAO @ “Does he have a brother?” As a matter of fact, he does, but my brother in law is already spoken for or else I would have been playing cupid right now. 😉

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      1. You’re right, LOVE really does WIN! Oh Shucks, Really??? I’m always too late or just missed out. Oh well – guess I’ll keep getting dressed up and going to the grocery stores…LOL LOL LOL. (wink). Have a good day gurly!!! xoxo

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      2. 😂😂 Girl, you always make me laugh. Trust me he’ll show up when you don’t even realize it and he’ll make his presence known.

        Are you posting today? I hope you’re posting today.

        Thanks girl! You do the same. 🙂

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      3. Girl, Idk – I don’t think God created anyone for me, I think he gets a kick out of me hoping, wishing and praying though…LOL. But yeah, jokes aside – I’m patiently waiting, if it happens cool and if it don’t, I’m okay with it. No, I’m posting on Thursday and Sunday in which I forgot to tell you – that sometimes I do post on Sundays (not always though and if I do it’s every other Sun) I also do a Wednesday’s word in which I decided to do once a month – so my next one will come up on 9/15. I post those vids to the blog but soon, I’m not going to do that anymore and just post them to YTUBE only. So for me it’s Tuesdays, Every Thursday, Some Sundays and we still thinking about Wednesday…lol. Hope you’re having a good day gurly!

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  26. Love this, like your other posts it’s so honest. Sadly we’ll always have little people with prejudice’s but we’ll always challenge them eh? 😜

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    1. We always will! Charlie, your comment, and opinions is appreciated. Thank you for reading allllllll my blog posts. 😁 I luv you for that….Yes honesty, in my opinion, is always best, especially in writing personal expositions, is the best way to go. I always want my voice to be authentic. Thank you for noticing that. 😍

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  27. Racqs….how annoying it must be to constantly have to face negative comments and looks and of course all the assumptions just because of race. If people just looked.. really looked…they would see how much you and Greg love each other. If I wasn’t sure before (and I was), just seeing how supportive Greg was at your Dad’s funeral and how he quickly got right up there beside you when he thought you needed him. Hope that doesn’t make you cry. Great writing and topic as usual.

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    1. Awwwww, Betty! Thank you so much for that reminder. Bittersweet memories.

      My friend, I really appreciate you keeping up with the Blog. Every writer wants to read. I appreciate you!

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  30. Good for you guys. The entire notion of “loving your own kind” while whining about inequality is asinine to me. Black chicks, white chicks, brown chicks, y’all are fine as hell. The same goes both ways. Tits and ass, no matter the color or the background, I appreciate it all, simple as that. Crude perhaps, but it’s simple for me.

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  31. The colour of the skin is not important to someone who is in love. You are never attracted to someone because he is black or white. Most of the times you are drawn to someone because of the sweet nice person he or she is, you are not seeing the colour of the skin, you see the character of that sweet charming person.

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  32. As always, a truly insightful article. I have admired a few men who were caucasian but never got around to dating any of them. I am not surprised though at the varied reactions and misguided assumptions. People are different on so many levels but still we see the world in a box…I love how you handle it all…by doing you and not taking on others peoples perceptions. Stay blessed and continue to enjoy your relationship & marriage. Nuff blessings!

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    1. They lots of us especially where I live in NYC but people still never get that we are together unless we are on some PDF ish….I’m assuming you’re black based on your profile animation picture. Go date a white girl and see how often your presence is ignored when you’re next to her. 🙂

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      1. 🙂 I live in The Republic of Trinidad and Tobago and it is very common to see interracial couples wherever you go.

        I am surprised that people do not see you and your loved one as a couple.

        I dated women that were of East Indian decent and everyone knew that we were a couple.

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      2. That’s great, Renard! But I hasten to add they black men or women with East Indian men and women are waaaaaaaay more common than a white man with his black wife, especially in Trinidad.

        Thank goodness my experiences haven’t been yours. Be oh so thankful for that. 🙂

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  34. You are both beautiful!This article spoke to me on soo many levels.This is what I want to fight for.Like Madonna said,,It makes no difference if youre black or white,if you re a boy or a girl” or MJ’s Black or White.Its about WHO we are NOT WHAT we are!

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  35. “Guess what people? I can still be “woke” and love my caucasian man.”

    Goddamn right! REAL love doesn’t see color, age or any of the other BS that so many a$$holes insist are scandalous at best and wrong/sinful at worst! WTF?

    On the other hand, I did happen to marry inside my race so I am not faced with these challenges by other people’s judgments – which is probably a good thing since I am NOT good at biting my tongue when some jackhole has the audacity to confront me with their opinion on my life.

    Great post, Raq – one that lifted the shades on an issue that never dawned on me WAS an issue!

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    1. Thanks, Heather! As always, I couldn’t wait to hear your views on my post. While writing I thought to myself, “I wonder if Heather is married to a black man…” There has been so many parallels between us thus far that I wouldn’t have been surprised. 🙂

      Thanks for not only reading but also commenting, I love that word, “jackhole”. 😉 Thanks for introducing me to it. 😂

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      1. I’ve dated men and have friends of many different races, but married white boys both times around. LOL

        You’re welcome! You taught me about the racial struggles, I taught you jackhole – seems like a fair trade! 😉

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